This Isn't What It Looks Like
by MsDoodle
Summary: Razer learns the hard way that A.I. have no concept of personal space


Hot showers were a luxury Razer had never experienced prior to boarding the Interceptor. On his planet, there was no such thing as internap plumbing. You went about your ablutions the old fashioned way, with rags buckets. There was only ever hot water if you could spare the time and effort to boil it first. Most could not. The bathing facilities on Shard, while vastly advanced, were strictly utilitarian; cramped little cubicles crammed into a dark, dank room with little privacy. Any use of them was tightly regulated. To stretch their resources, only seasoned Lanterns were afforded the privilege of bathing once per day, and even then you barely had five minutes to get the job done. The water was never hot, that would have been a waste of much needed energy. On Shard the best you could hope for was lukewarm, and even that was a rare event. Most days, you shuddered your way through a torrent of freezing cold and got it over with as quickly as possible.

Life on the Interceptor was different. They had hot water on command, and with the ship's onboard purification system, replenishing their supply was only a matter of finding the nearest planetoid, and the Frontier was riddled with unpopulated worlds to glean from. The facilities themselves were impeccably clean, owing in part to Aya's strict sanitation policies, and the fact that only one of three crew members would have use of the facilities at any given time. There was no official schedule, but the Lanterns aboard the Interceptor had fallen into a natural rotation based on their own personal habits. Razer was always the last to bed, and the first to rise, giving him ample time to himself. With Hal Jordan and Kilawog still sound asleep, he had nearly full run of the place. There was Aya, of course, but she never slept. She didn't need to.

Razer swiped a hand through his wet hair and pushed it away from his face. Head tilted, he allowed his eyes to fall closed and spend a few moments savoring the sting of scalding water on his skin. When he had first officially joined the crew of the Interceptor, he'd been reluctant to bathe, even while the Green Lanterns slept. Back then, he'd kept his ring close by, just in case one of them should betray their truce and attack while he was at his most vulnerable. Nowadays, though he was still uneasy at the thought of disarming himself, he no longer expected to be ambushed at any moment. Not to say that he held no reservations about his new comrades, he simple didn't suspect that one of them might try to kill him in his sleep. Well, not Hal Jordan, anyway. Kilawog was another story.

With a quick jerk of the handle, the stream ended. Razer the excess water from his hair and then drew back the curtain. Immediately he paused, noting that something was amiss. His clothes were not where he'd left them, and neither was his ring. Someone, or something, had made off with them.

Had this happened a few months ago, Razer might have been inclined to panic, but by now he knew enough about his comrades to write this off as a tasteless prank. No doubt it had been Hal Jordan's idea; he had done much the same to Kilowog once, and even weeks after the incident Razer was still having nightmares about it.

''Oh, ha ha.'' He deadpanned.

Stepping out from behind the curtain, Razer found that the human had at least enough decency to leave him a towel. He quickly wrapped it around his waist and then stood with his hands on his hips.

''You can come out, Hal Jordan, I know this was your doing.'' There was no response, not that Razer had expected one. Scowling,he began to search the room. It was possible the Earth Man might have hidden his clothes away somewhere. ''I know you Earth Creatures find these shenanigans amusing but I do not.''

''This was not the work of Hal Jordan.''

Razer nearly tripped when he heard the voice. He hadn't heard anyone enter the room, but sure enough, when he turned around, there was the ship's A.I in her material form.

''Aya! What are you doing in here?'' Razer instinctively folded his arms over his chest, inwardly thankful that he'd managed to at least half dress himself before the A.I. appeared. Or had he...what if she'd been in there the whole time! The mere thought of it made his skin bristle.

The A.I. was standing right behind him, face placid as ever. There was something in her arms. It was his civilian clothes, folded neatly in a little pile. ''I apologize for my intrusion.'' She said. ''Your garments were unclean. I saw fit to wash them for you.'' She offered the garments to him.

''Thank you...'' Razer averted his eyes in a misguided effort to hide his shame. He knew full well that Aya was a computer program in physical form, and though she appeared female, this aspect of her was little more than quirk of design. As such, she was incapable of the perversions that blighted the minds of so many organics. Still, computer or not, he didn't care to be seen in such a compromising position.

''Is something wrong, Razer?'' Aya had noticed his discomfort, but the cause was clearly lost on her as she took a step forward, leaning closer.

''What? No! I'm fine it's just— You shouldn't be in here right now.''

The A.I. canted her head to the side, ''My presence seems to have upset you. I do not understand.''

''I'm not upset, Aya. It's just that this is very inappropriate.''

Her expression was unchanged. ''Please elaborate; what about my conduct do you not find appropriate?''

''It's not you, Aya, it's...well, I'm not decent right now.'' He could see the phrasing had confused her, so he corrected himself. ''That is to say I'm not wearing any clothes and you shouldn't see me like this.''

The A.I. still did not appear to understand. She was quiet for a few seconds, likely processing what had been said in an effort to contextualize it within her understanding of organic behavior. Her conclusion was thus:

''Razer, you are acting erratically, and I am sensing a dramatic increase in your core temperature. It is likely you may be experiencing symptoms of illness.''

The A.I. reached for him, and in his hasty effort to distance himself, Razer slipped and fell backward. He hit the floor with a thud and burst of white hot pain when his head cracked against the tile. He groaned, only slightly delirious from the impact, and cursed under his breath. In the grand scheme of things, this was only a minor wound—he'd had far worse during his training back on Shard—but that didn't stop it from hurting like a bitch. Hissing through gritted teeth and reached back to appraise the damage. There didn't seem to be any blood. Good.

''Razer, do not move.'' Aya was beside him before he'd realized it. ''You require medical attention.''

''No, no, I'm fine!'' Razer attempted to stand, but the Aya stopped him. She placed a hand at his chest and forced him to lay down again. The A.I. was frighteningly strong when she wanted to be.

''Movement may exaggerate any damage you have sustained.'' The A.I crouched over him, reaching for his head with her free hand. ''It is in your best interest to keep still until I can perform a proper medical examination.''

''Aya, really, this isn't necessary—''

''Hey, Kid, you done in there? I could really use a rinse!''

Hal Jordan's muffled voice could be heard on the other side of the wash room door. Impossible! The Earth Man was never up this early! Razer snapped his head to the side just in time to see the the door slide open. Hal Jordan poked his head in through the door frame.

''Everything alright in there, Kiddo—'' The Earth Man stopped short when he saw what he'd walked in on. Or at least, what he thought he'd walked in on, which was a half naked Red Lantern on the floor, clothes strewn about, with the ship's A.I on top of him.

There was a heavy pause, at the end of which Hal Jordan cleared his throat rather awkwardly.

''I think I'll...come back later.''


End file.
